My re-careered midlife includes one-on-one career or job coaching. Sometimes I work with individuals considering a change in their career path; sometimes the goal is to get better at what one does already in the world of work. Of course, by the time someone has been in the world of work for 20 or more years, it can't be just about "work" anymore; LIFE has ingratiated itself big time. While the "us" we are in the work place may differ from our persona in other of our environments, there is ample crossover and interweaving of Self in each setting.

Recently I worked intensively with a very bright and capable young woman (age: 41) employed in a segment of the financial world which continues to be perceived and conducted as male dominated. She holds an impressive title within an organization and was promoted earlier this year; yet both she and her manager agreed that she was not operating at full potential. The question "why not?" is what she was referred to me to work on.

After our first consultation, I had my opinion; but in the beginning stages of coaching it's more important to find out what's in the mind of the client, because "inside" is where we often find the answers we need in order to move forward. In our second session, she admitted she feared success. But, she couldn't identify "why?" beyond the usual comments. We talked about that. Soon after, a "breakthrough" occurred. As is often the case in real life, this "ah ha" moment was not large or accompanied by cymbals clanging and bells ringing; it was subtle enough to almost be missed. The message, however, was loud and clear: She was fearful that if she succeeded - was better than the next person - she wouldn't be loved anymore. Also, she felt "guilty" when she did better and reaped the benefits thereof while some others did not do or have as well. And, what's more, she feared that (greater) success would mean things would change. Bingo! …how we love to cling to that comfort zone - the static place we think is a safe harbor, protecting us from change. Yet, as we all know, change is the only constant in life. The world will continue rotating on its axis no matter what. None of us is that powerful; in fact, what arrogance to think otherwise! Nevertheless, there it was: Fear of Success.

If you subscribe to or can relate to the core current that runs through Carol Gilligan's work as expressed in In A Different Voice, or Mary Pipher's work as represented in Reviving Ophelia (a book which I recommend every woman read, regardless of her age); then it is easier to understand the "success problem." But let's look at the more frequently discussed "fear of failure" first.

Too many of us have been conditioned to regard failure as the worst possible outcome. When, if at all, are we told of how many times Babe Ruth struck out; or how many times Edison's inventions failed; or, more importantly, the lessons we can glean from failure? What we are taught, tacitly or otherwise, is that failure is "bad." And, once we experience failure, we pull back from exposing ourselves to it ever again. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" becomes a formula for stagnation. It's internalized as a balm which soothes us from ever "going there" again. Success, on the other hand, carries its own burdens. For one, if we succeed once, we may be expected to do so again - and again. Who would want to shoulder that?

Gilligan concluded that in our society, from the time they are young girls, females are socialized to think and act in terms of relationship and connection. [Characterized as "dependence." Contrast this to Daniel Levinson, et al., in The Seasons of Man's Life, concluding that boys-to-men are socialized in terms of "independence" - often translating into "my priorities before all else."] In this context, "dependence" means don't do anything that threatens to displace or rupture relationship(s) and/or connection(s). In the plainest terms, this can become "don't rock the boat." Do what others expect of you, even if that diminishes what you can expect of yourself. Pipher writes about the "impostor syndrome" - the anxiety, particularly in teen-aged and young women - that they are not as capable as others perceive - and expect - them to be; and one of these days, their inadequacies will be discovered; they will be revealed to be what they feel they are internally: impostors. In discussing this process, Pipher writes about the message we send whenever we cause young females to think they have succeeded because they got "lucky" rather than because that is the correct outcome. [She compares this with the message that a boy/man who succeeds "deserved" to do so.] Females who think they got "lucky" are going to be fearful their "luck" will run out.

My client didn't want to "rock the boat" of her relationship with her father, even though her father embraced the successes of her male siblings - maybe even took a little credit for them. Then the moment arrived when her father said something to which she responded as a learned professional, and as an adult; and voila - he regarded her with more respect but no less affection. She reported that later that same day, she and her father took a walk during which he told her many things about her brothers that he had never confided to her before. She had "graduated" - now, in addition to being his daughter, she was also an adult and a professional. Much better!

Being our authentic selves includes being all that we can be. When we don't pursue this goal, we not only make ourselves unhappy, we spread that unhappiness around. Aristotle is quoted as saying, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." Go for it! Or as Janis Joplin (an unexpected sage) said, "Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got."