The title of this book is irresistible. It was the subject of a comprehensive article in "Aging Today", the bimonthly newspaper by/from/about the American Society on Aging. I liked what the authors said about why and how they wrote the book, including an externally imposed requirement to limit the jargon, (i.e. "psychobabble.")

Unlike M. Pipher's book, (also reviewed here), this very readable paperback references agency resources, includes a bibliography, and in the first paragraph of the "Preface" the authors provide their web address: www.AgingNetS.com. LeBow and Kane have a social work case management agency located in Bethesda, Maryland. They use their professional experience in combination with some personal situations as the context for the condensed case studies they discuss.

There are two idiosyncrasies which the reader will encounter. One is that in the majority of vignettes recounted, the "difficult" parent is (the) mother. Perhaps this is because women constitute the dominant proportion of our elder population. It is not a point the authors chose to explicate. The other unique aspect is the authors' decision - which they do explain - to coin a new word: "grownchildren." They state, "…we prefer this term to adult children…" (p. 5) I don't, but I "got over it." (I can hardly imagine my aged parent referring to me as her "grownchild.")

LeBow and Kane identify the "difficult" parent/s in terms of the "…emotional drain of trying to help parents who [are] hard to help." (p. vii.) This takes the situation to the next level, beyond the physical and/or economic consequences of elder care for our parent/s. Further, as the authors state, their book "…fills a gap in the literature on eldercare. (p.vii.) This is an honest assertion.

The "Appendix" includes a brief exploration of personality disorders as well as "separation theory" and "abuse theory, [PTSD]." The jargon has been consigned to these sections. Preceding this is Chapter 9, "How to Keep from Being Difficult Yourself." Whether or not you subscribe to Continuity Theory or merely the notion that "the apple does not fall far from the tree," this is an attention-getter. The chapters leading up to these discussions include such topics as
" When Your Parent Clings to You" (Chap. 1)
" The World in Black and White" (Chap. 2)
" Self-Centered Behaviors" (Chap. 4)
" The Controlling Personality" (Chap. 5)

If neither these nor other earth-bound topics explored by LeBow and Kane strike a cord, then please pass "GO" immediately and collect $200.00.

If your personal family experience(s) resembles my own, it may be easier on the first pass to read this book than to operationalize the material that pertains to you. It is often more difficult to "make object" of one's parent/s, or to work the process Jung referred to as "individuation," than to achieve the required approaches. The value of this book is not restricted to the groundedness of the authors' recommendations. Often it is good to know it's "not you" and to begin from that realization to do whatever work needs to be done.