I chose this book for three reasons: (1) I’m a fan of Reviving Ophelia , also authored by Pipher, (which I recommend to anyone who is a daughter, was a daughter, or has a daughter; in fact, whether you are a parent or not, of either girls or boys, read ...Ophelia); (2) it was reviewed favorably by someone whose opinions I respect; (3) as a Gerontologist, I felt it was my “duty” to read this very recent book.

My complaint regarding ...Ophelia is that Pipher asks more questions than she answers. My reactions to Another Country , which is 328 pages in hard cover and has no bibliographic references, (which is astonishing! and disappointing) are: (1) there are “too many” answers, by which I mean the book made me think of an over-provisioned cafeteria with something for everyone, if you could just make it through the line; and (2) because the “answers” are contained within anecdotal representations, they are simplistic. Much of what is on the page is easier to read than to render.

Having stated my “caveats”, here is the rest of the review: What Pipher, a practicing psychologist, has constructed is a heartfelt report from the heartland; she lives in Lincoln, Nebraska. It is difficult to conjure an aspect of aging and the aged, principally the old old, that she does not visit in this narrative. She tells the stories openly; she writes without artifice. Her language, like her examples, is accessible. She brings the reader the truth as she has experienced and/or witnessed it, both positive and negative, regarding old age and our aged. These are not reports about exceptional people; they are about people we could know, possibly our family members, (particularly our parents), or other members of our community. Pipher presents many vignettes in which a midlife adult is having a problem which relates directly to an aging parent. These cover a spectrum of situations, some more easily managed than others, and convey to anyone in the “Sandwich Generation”, for example, that it is not your imagination; other have experienced the same difficulties, sought the same solutions or solace.

By taking us into the (anonymous) lives of the people whom she has counselled and otherwise encountered, Pipher opens the doors and lets the reader look inside, see what may be awaiting them. I would have preferred fewer stories and more detailed solutions (the hard core “how to.”) However, no one represented this as a piece of academic research. It is a book for the public, and to that extent it either anticipates or responds to their needs, Pipher has done her “duty.”

She is very keen on intergenerational connections and appreciating that inside every elder, no matter his or her current condition, is a person to be valued and respected. “The only thing worse than having aging parents is not having aging parents.” [p. 124] Whether it’s resolving the difficulty of taking away the car keys, deciding if the time has come to move a parent into a “home”, figuring out how to manage a parent’s “aging in place”, or discussing a living will; Pipher has stories which address the issues.

She also presents her formula for shaping our own aging, as gleaned from her practice and other interactions. These are her “Five R’s”: repect, relationships, results, relaxation, and realization. When Pipher turned 50, she devised this formula for evaluating how she proceeds; they are the measures by which she makes decisions. “When I have choices to make, I ask, ‘Will this project bring me what I want? Will this decision make me more relaxed or respected? Will it bring results in the culture for those I love?’ If the answer is no, I try to turn down activities and projects. I try to make every minute matter. There is time for only the Five R’s.” [p. 247] Since a dominant marker of the entry to midlife is acknowledgement of our mortality, Pipher has told the reader how she wants to manage her middle years and beyond.

Life planning and retirement practitioners should be aware of this book and may want to suggest it to a client with whom they are working as a point from which to begin obtaining answers to questions about one’s aged or one’s future as a member of our increasing population of old old.

Having had to travel “home” to Los Angeles recently to begin the process of whatever the next step will be regarding my aged, frail mother; I can say from a personal perspective that knowing others have confronted the same difficulties, thought the same thoughts, and survived the same challenges is helpful; perhaps, even, comforting.

For an entirely different take on aging and the aged, check out WHAT’S AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT? By Kelly Ferrin. A collection of short stories about remarkable, exceptional seniors making the most of their elder years in ways which both confound and delight.

(Written for ISRP "Perspectives")